Days 57- 58 Normandy Hospital

Patti and I were right in our reservations about Normandy. Lee's stay there was short, and had disastrous future consequences. It was the wrong place for him. He arrived there the afternoon of November 10th. By bedtime at 2-3 AM he had persuaded a fellow patient to fetch him booze, had consumed same with great relish, had gotten riotously drunk and before retiring had to be told to stop wandering naked into other patient’s rooms. He also reportedly pissed on the floor in the corner.

The next morning he left against advice about 11 AM before we arrived to visit him at 2 PM. What can you do? We went home, they would call. The next morning

they did tell us that Lee had returned drunk with a companion at 4 AM, had made a disturbance, He was again “Certified” and returning to 2 East as fast as they could get him there.

This is an extremely fast outline of what had to have been one of the most action packed periods in Lee’s life. As reconstructed with great effort, he was very active that night even though he started off with good intentions:

Lee's Journal Entry: November 10, 1995

8 pm: so here i sit in my new place. one of the neighbors went to the liquor store and bought me 4 beers and a mickey of rum i drank half the bottle of rum and am on half of beer and feel so intoxicated.

***

ambulance personnel brought me over. when i first arrived i thought this probably won’t be for me. perhaps it was the dingy white color of the hallway walls. the more i saw and got the feel for it i liked it better and better.

i asked the nurse about the cable tv and they lent me this really nice tv- hooked up and plugged in and i’ve got cable. so i wonder if the cable is free or what? meals come by a nearby hospital. i immediately thought “oh my god, gross food.” well this evening I quite enjoyed my dinner. rice, green beans and this sort of beef stew in a tomato sauce with seasoning. anyway I am most comfortable with the place. it has such a warm and healing energy about it.

and I find it so odd that it came up when it did. me, totally suicidal thinking of having to move into heritage house, and bango, I arrive back at the hospital and they tell me i’ve got a bed at normandy! it makes me wonder if perhaps something spiritual out there looking in on me it’s amazing how relaxed i feel here yet, how can one not feel good when you surrounded by AIDS patients. there was this one guy that was skin and bones and I could see something in his eyes....

Nurses Notes: Nov. 11, 1995

0730- Up and about unit, taking meals well. Speaks when spoken to, angry undertones

1530 in his voice. Left unit to go to mail @ 1000, returned 1031. Left again@ 1300 to

go downtown., attempted to talk him out of it w/o success. Called Dr on call (Woodfall) & obtained order for accompanied person, but if he insists on it let him go. Lee’s parents in to visit at 1400 & made aware that Lee was off unit. Informed that we were not a locked unit, and we could not stop him. Gordon DORC made aware. Also 4 bottles of Tylenol and several nicotine patches found in Lee’s nightstand. Same placed under sink in Med room. Lee stated he would be back @1800.

1530- Lee returned as promised however he was quite intoxicated. Went into his room

2330 and fell asleep. Roused briefly to defer meds until later. Slept until about 10

o’clock. Up and down for smokes. Hs meds & 1800 meds given. 2255 overheard Lee calling a taxi from a payphone. All doors locked until I got a chance to talk with him. Lee was very upset he could not go out. I told him I was very uncomfortable that he should be leaving at this time. Became very insistent stating he would be back in one hour. Because of his compliance during the day, I thought it best to let him go rather than have his agitation intensify.

2330- Telephoned unit at 0030 stated he would be back in one hour. Speech slurred,

0730 refused to disclose his whereabouts. Returned to unit at 0430 in care of taxi driver and a friend “Heather” whom he had “met only tonight”. Paid taxi- on return with friend from his room- intoxicated, smelling strongly of alcohol, extremely unsteady on his feet. Reported to staff that he had “gone downtown to buy heroin to kill himself with” but instead had his wallet , ID and money “stolen”. Heather stated she had found him in an alley on Hastings St. with some people who were going to beat him up.” She also stated resident had told her he was taking her to a “hotel” room to “fix-up” and that she had “no idea” Lee was a resident at Normandy Hospital. Resident paid for her cab fare home. Wandering hallway naked at 0530 attempting to access nursing station drawers “looking for cigarettes”. Redirected to room and asleep by 0600.

Lee's Journal Entry: Nov 11, 1995

here i am downtown in a bar. the liquor store was closed due to the holiday so i came here. this morning i was massively depressed. i just wanted to die. maybe tonight i’ll try the tylenol. i have 4 boxes of it. if only i had heroin. i doubt the tylenol will work, but one never knows.

i wonder if i’m brave enough to jump in front of a train if i was totally drunk.

i’m feeling a bit better now that i’ve had a couple of drinks

i think that it must be inevitable that I suicide

i think about it all the time

if i had access to heroin i would have done it long ago

i was brave enough by trying to slash my wrist. too bad it didn’t work out. i kept gouging away at my left wrist. i guess i just didn’t hit a main vein i did cut a tendon though, that’s why my lower arm is in a splint.

its like alcohol pushes the depression away and just takes over i’d be relieved now if i knew the tylenol worked for sure.

at times I wonder why my life has turned out shitty- and has been shitty most of my life.

after here i’ve got to go to “the bay” to see if they have any head sets. i’ve lost the ones for the “walkman” tape player

i’m craving to listen to bach

my luck they won’t have them

really what are my choices? either to drink everyday to numb the depression or jump in front of a train?

this morning i was at the point i just couldn’t cope with it.

i was so full of anger for having this depression that i started crying and i just tensed my whole body and screamed mentally. it was not much of a release. i should not have forced myself to stop crying

***

i don’t know whether i like living at normandy or not. it is a great deal that i have. worry free of not having a nice apartment, rent, food and the place is cool, my meals are prepared for me (last nights dinner was really good- for lunch today we had shit sausage rolls)

the place lent me this really nice color tv i don’t know who is paying the cable but i’ve got it

i now think it is best i never moved in with mom & dad

i knew it would have been hell if i did. and the fact that i really don’t like them. everything is la-de-DA, superficial in a way. my mom hasn’t once asked me how my depression is doing, never once asked me how i feel.

i see that the problems with my parents has a big effect on me. i think i need to work it out with someone, when they said i couldn’t live with them, that’s what brought all of the past memories, feelings to me. that’s why i cry- because of them.

what i need is just someone to love and understand me

this month i have to give CPP my change of address. now they go to my parent’s place and i wish they didn’t as it forces me to experience them when i’d rather not. i have no phone and i think i’ll keep it that way. normandy has a pay phone for me to use. oh, and they also supply the smokes “players” for only $4 a pack!!

i really can’t complain about the place meals are prepared, no dishes to do. i’m surrounded by friendliness.

lunch was the shits today- greasy sausage rolls. last nights dinner was really good though.

what more could i ask for: a soft nice bouncy bed, prepared meals, a color tv.

i must get used to being around these strangers with AIDS at lunch today i wheeled the skeleton man back to his unit. i call him the skeleton man because he’s like a skeleton? he has great difficulty moving his legs and arms. every time i look at him i think “ why didn’t he suicide when he knew things would get bad?” and then i think about myself- if i were in that position what would i do. the pain suffered would be incredible.

from my writing i’m sure you can tell i’m intoxicated.

***

here i sit this night at the dufferin drinking- again. i just had to fight the bawling of my eyes. my head keeps getting images of jumping in front of a train. earlier i decided to do the tylenol. it was not where i had it stored. i must have thrown it out in one of my drunken stupors. i think that these are the choices in my life- either suicide or drink a lot of alcohol everyday.

i don’t know if i should feel guilty or not for spending my savings on booze. because it’s 11PM i can’t purchase “off sales” for beer.

***

at least i don’t feel massively depressed. i think i’ve enough to drink to jump in front of the train. but i won’t- it’s not time yet.

i think about how i could do it- just jump and die immediately.

i’ve been spending far too much. this afternoon i spent about $20 and over this evening i’ve probably spent $40-$50.

3 beers is the limit, if your caught, otherwise i’ll been another

To round out the missing time between the Dufferin’s closing and his arrival back at Normandy with Heather in tow at 0430, Lee at some point decided to visit a local Shoppers Drug Mart where he managed to get caught by Security trying to shoplift enough Tylenol to kill himself .He was turned over to Vancouver City Police who decided that since he had, identification, money, an address as established by his hospital identity tag, to charge him with shoplifting but release him on his own recognizance. He then embarked on his downtown adventure with muggers and dopers and stuff.

Lee's Journal Entry: Nov. 12, 1995

i arrive home yesterday late night to find out that i couldn’t deal with. i was really drunk.

i awoke at 11 am, feeling a bit uncomfort. brenda, one of the worker here said that i no longer to live there as i was too much to handle and that i would go to st. paul’s only if i’m not in psych ward.which i am!! they put the restraints on, all of the staff were nice in the least. i just laid there thinking of suicide. i just know that i’m terrible close to death and for the first time i feel good about it the only things i thought about swallowing drano. i image it will be a painful death.